Surely, yes, you can blab all you want about how lazy I was for skipping work today. Yet, I did get a lot of insight and thought a lot today. First off, it was because of timing at first. Tried to catch the 3:38pm or so bus, but the more it ran through my head, especially the part about the bus only arriving like once an hour on the weekends, I was only going to get like 2 to 3 hours of work done anyways, so might as well stay home. After the fact though, I did think about it more. Here's my thought process in dialogue form:
What the hell are you doing Mark?
Nothing.
You mean that skipping work today is nothing?
Yeah.
How so?
Though it is a job, let's face some facts here. It doesn't really pay all my bills, it's essentially a janitorial position, and I'd only get 2-3 hours of work done max anyways at this point due to the ludicrous public transportation schedule on the weekends. There's also the fact that this job is not going to lead me anywhere, just the same old cleaning the tables and occasionally being in the back doing dishes. I want a more creative position, a position where I am actually excited to go to work and I understand that one somehow has to go through jobs like this before the position desired, but really, this just feels like pointless work to me. It just seems like just another chore at home, but getting paid for it really. Hell, even at Goodwill, after one year, I didn't even get a raise, just a certificate and the knowledge I made it a year miraculously.
Now, in that kind of dialogue, I know my thoughts make me sound like some arrogant asshole that's just another part of this "gimme now!" generation, but that's not it at all. It's not like I want to be some crazy-ass billionaire that just talks and talks and have no idea what he's talking about, I just want to make enough so that my parents won't have to interfere in my life and pay for a portion. I want to be a proud, independent citizen that can fully pay for what he needs, and never look down upon himself for needs he couldn't pay for. That's all I want out of life right now. Okay, first a lovely life with my loved one, then that, but either way, I'm 3 years from turning 30 and if I don't feel like an independent adult by 30, then something's really wrong.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Just some update...
Yeah..so things have been well since my last post. My cold's getting a lot better thankfully, just been up and down about my job to be honest. Shall I continue to be in this monotonous position or do I quit to go down a more creative, better path..? I have been asking questions like this for a while, and yes I know I have been at this job-dining room attendant at ASU's Manzanita Hall by the way-for only two months and thus it would be insane and probably delusional to even considering quitting so early into a job, but sometimes I wonder if it'd be worth it. I have realized there would be some who will think that I'm just another part of the "now now now" generation, but that's not entirely it. What it comes down to for me at least is life fulfillment. I mean sure this job pays me and there's health insurance with it, but do I feel truly happy in this position? The real honest truth is that no I do not, but it does give me something to do during the day. That's all it really is for now, since I do have plans to put more videos on my YouTube channel and stuff like that to fulfill the creative part of my life. And to leave you on a positive note, I'll leave you all with this picture of some birds in Tempe near a man-made lake or canal I believe near that freeway that separates Scottsdale and Tempe:
And just for the hell of it, some footage of the rain today:
And just for the hell of it, some footage of the rain today:
Monday, October 12, 2015
If I were President..
Now, I already know I will improve, so let's take a break from all that. Heck, since it's now a hot button issue with all this Vote 2016 and stuff, I shall now give you things I would do if I were President of the United States:
-Decrease the defense budget of this country. Surely yes, even I support the troops out there, but let's face it, unless they're facing dangerous terrorists, leaders, or international criminals, they're essentially just security guards securing resources that we have in this country, such as oil. What? We have oil in this country..? Yes, we do. And getting back to the main topic here, our defense budget is just plain ridiculous in this country. NASA? Nope. Education? Apparently not a priority for some reason. Yet, the military just seems to overshadow all of these priorities..so let's cut back on that a bit, shall we?
-Allow the open carrying of swords. I know it takes a while of focus and training to get used to a gun and all, but c'mon, sword training is a fucking art form. And just like people who want a logical regulation of guns, same with swords. Both you need a license and a mental health evaluation. It's common sense really, but swords, I think you're less likely to have a psychotic killer due to the mental preparation and physicality one must possess in order to use a sword, but just in case, a mental health evaluation would be needed just in case. A weapon's a weapon, am I right? Just to me, swords are more beautiful.
-Increase spending on NASA. I was so disappointed when they wanted to decrease the budget of NASA. I mean, once this planet's full, where are we gonna live? How are we gonna live? I mean yes, you do have those 4chan people coming up with theories, but the fine people of NASA can thoroughly research this and tell you what planet is livable and if it'll be alright to live in a gigantic space station like the Enterprise.
-Clarify what "minimum wage" actually means and make sure that definition is known. I've done research into this, and apparently what minimum wage is actually supposed to be is the average wage it is to live in a certain area. So, yes, Seattle's minimum wage is high, but that's probably because it's expensive to live there. We're a pretty big country to even a decide on what the entire country's minimum wage should be, so let's just find out what the true average is in a certain area and let that area and state figure out what their minimum wage should be.
-Make it illegal to predict when the end times are coming. I think I'll ignore this one, but at least to me, it's getting fucking annoying anytime when someone comes up with a date as to when the world is ending. Just stooppp. Pleeeassseee.
-Eliminate the word "moist". I would accept any word for wetness, but "moist" is just one of those words that just sounds disturbing..just..eww...
Yeah, it's just probably going to go crazier from here, so I'll end it there. Stay classy America.
-Decrease the defense budget of this country. Surely yes, even I support the troops out there, but let's face it, unless they're facing dangerous terrorists, leaders, or international criminals, they're essentially just security guards securing resources that we have in this country, such as oil. What? We have oil in this country..? Yes, we do. And getting back to the main topic here, our defense budget is just plain ridiculous in this country. NASA? Nope. Education? Apparently not a priority for some reason. Yet, the military just seems to overshadow all of these priorities..so let's cut back on that a bit, shall we?
-Allow the open carrying of swords. I know it takes a while of focus and training to get used to a gun and all, but c'mon, sword training is a fucking art form. And just like people who want a logical regulation of guns, same with swords. Both you need a license and a mental health evaluation. It's common sense really, but swords, I think you're less likely to have a psychotic killer due to the mental preparation and physicality one must possess in order to use a sword, but just in case, a mental health evaluation would be needed just in case. A weapon's a weapon, am I right? Just to me, swords are more beautiful.
-Increase spending on NASA. I was so disappointed when they wanted to decrease the budget of NASA. I mean, once this planet's full, where are we gonna live? How are we gonna live? I mean yes, you do have those 4chan people coming up with theories, but the fine people of NASA can thoroughly research this and tell you what planet is livable and if it'll be alright to live in a gigantic space station like the Enterprise.
-Clarify what "minimum wage" actually means and make sure that definition is known. I've done research into this, and apparently what minimum wage is actually supposed to be is the average wage it is to live in a certain area. So, yes, Seattle's minimum wage is high, but that's probably because it's expensive to live there. We're a pretty big country to even a decide on what the entire country's minimum wage should be, so let's just find out what the true average is in a certain area and let that area and state figure out what their minimum wage should be.
-Make it illegal to predict when the end times are coming. I think I'll ignore this one, but at least to me, it's getting fucking annoying anytime when someone comes up with a date as to when the world is ending. Just stooppp. Pleeeassseee.
-Eliminate the word "moist". I would accept any word for wetness, but "moist" is just one of those words that just sounds disturbing..just..eww...
Yeah, it's just probably going to go crazier from here, so I'll end it there. Stay classy America.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Day 4 of my self-improvement journey
I made the effort today to be more socially active. Since today was one of my 4 days off this week, I decided to join my dad at Oktoberfest since he brought he and my mom's greyhound Huck to the Arizona Greyhound Adoption, Inc (something like that) tent and I got to meet some other greyhounds along with some awesome people. Heck, really kinda wishing I had a puppy around at least, but maybe sometime in the future after I get a license and a car..yeahhh. I also am considering going to church tomorrow since I haven't been there in a while due to my work schedule usually falling on the weekends starting at the weird time of 1pm and ending at 8pm. I weirdly figured about the 4 day thing once I tried punching in like 3 or 4 times and didn't work, so might as well check the schedule, and voila! There it was! I am just really hoping they're not slowly getting rid of me, and just loosening up my schedule for new recruits they've been hiring yeah. And if you're curious, this what Huck looks like:
He's pretty nice and loves being petted :). He's a pretty cool dog..
He's pretty nice and loves being petted :). He's a pretty cool dog..
Friday, October 9, 2015
Day 3 of my self-improvement journey
I realized that really, I need a change in mood. Sure, mine has been weird recently due to this weird mucus build-up that will hopefully go away (I mean, I could call it a cold, but it doesn't really have the symptoms of one..it's strange really and I don't feel like going on WebMd..we know that site's bullshit..depending anyways..but yeah..). I just would like to stabilize it and not have any extremely bad or good days. I really just want to be content with myself to be honest. I haven't fully reached that point since all I am is some minimum wage table/counter cleaner that can barely afford his bills, let alone groceries, along with losing his backpack today (yeah lost it on the train shmeh..), and having a girlfriend that's all the way in China...yeah, it's pretty fucking hard. Yet, I can always find a bit of happiness in each day, such as music, like someone playing "Rapper's Delight" in the kitchen today-that was awesome. That song is fucking amazing. So as I'm on this journey, I shall definitely seek bits of happiness within a stressed-out today. Heck, now I'll leave you with a Vine I took today (follow me on Vine @MarkRiley20) :
Day 2 of my self-improvement journey
Sure, it was about being anti-porn and all, which it still is, and today (and since I'm typing this now, yesterday), had a bit of a run in with internet pornography, so still working on that, but overall, this journey is about improving myself in general. Being a better me. Yes. It's just that getting rid of porn from my life is a step in a good direction towards being a better me. That, and being better with my finances.
I don't get it really. I say I'm this amazing, capable adult that craves independence, but for some unknown reason, having a stable budget and adequate finances seems to be a bit beyond my reach. I mean, I know I can grasp it, but how..? Is there some magical wand that can grant me a wish of full financial freedom without my parents nagging on me every 5 fucking seconds about it..? I mean seriously, it's annoying as fuck talking about financial stuff with my parents. My dad gets all pissed and disappointed in me, then my mom tries to calm me down so I don't suddenly have a mental breakdown from the yelling. It's as if a hellish war just broke loose, and I have no means to help the situations. That's just it really, I have barely the means to be financially independent at the current moment. I mean, sure, my dad's helping stay on an all-cash budget now, but really, all I am now is just some person that cleans tables at a university cafeteria and I can barely afford even a fraction of all my bills. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not supposed to be a financially independent person at the age of 27 with a Liberal Arts degree..? (Okay, skip the Liberal Arts part..I mean sure degrees means a bit more money, but trust me, Liberal Arts degrees barely mean shit in the real world. I have learned this from experience. Better to get some sort of certification instead..which I plan to start in Spring 2016 thankfully.) Hell, I've even been up and down the whole making money online thing and haven't been successful in that department yet. I just don't want to wind up like some fucking 40 year old all alone in his parents' basement having mental breakdowns because my parents just don't understand I really need love in my life. So thankful I met Yiqi, and may she please see me soon. That'll be great..had to go through some crazy ass exes before I met her, let me tell ya. Yeah..but anyways, more of my wonderful journey tomorrow, toodles!
I don't get it really. I say I'm this amazing, capable adult that craves independence, but for some unknown reason, having a stable budget and adequate finances seems to be a bit beyond my reach. I mean, I know I can grasp it, but how..? Is there some magical wand that can grant me a wish of full financial freedom without my parents nagging on me every 5 fucking seconds about it..? I mean seriously, it's annoying as fuck talking about financial stuff with my parents. My dad gets all pissed and disappointed in me, then my mom tries to calm me down so I don't suddenly have a mental breakdown from the yelling. It's as if a hellish war just broke loose, and I have no means to help the situations. That's just it really, I have barely the means to be financially independent at the current moment. I mean, sure, my dad's helping stay on an all-cash budget now, but really, all I am now is just some person that cleans tables at a university cafeteria and I can barely afford even a fraction of all my bills. Am I doing something wrong? Am I not supposed to be a financially independent person at the age of 27 with a Liberal Arts degree..? (Okay, skip the Liberal Arts part..I mean sure degrees means a bit more money, but trust me, Liberal Arts degrees barely mean shit in the real world. I have learned this from experience. Better to get some sort of certification instead..which I plan to start in Spring 2016 thankfully.) Hell, I've even been up and down the whole making money online thing and haven't been successful in that department yet. I just don't want to wind up like some fucking 40 year old all alone in his parents' basement having mental breakdowns because my parents just don't understand I really need love in my life. So thankful I met Yiqi, and may she please see me soon. That'll be great..had to go through some crazy ass exes before I met her, let me tell ya. Yeah..but anyways, more of my wonderful journey tomorrow, toodles!
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Day 1 of my anti-porn journey
I have realized that I was going to write this at the end of the day, but fuck it. I'll write it now during my dinner break at work.
So, for those of you who don't know, I have been struggling with porn addiction for years, since I was at least 13 around there. I know there are some of you who consider viewing pornography as a normal thing and think all that research about cybersex and porn addiction are piles of bullshit, but really, all of it's true. When I was 13, and all my life really, I was struggling with my two mental disabilities: ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome. At the time, I thought no one soul truly love me the way I thought I'd be loved, and went into weird moods and drew girls a lot, even putting myself in the picture with them. Also, yes, I had real friends, but I wanted something deeper, more wonderful. Then, I found Yahoo and MSN chat rooms to be a wonderful source to find girls who would accept me and love me for me. Unfortunately though, they were quite a long distance away from me, but somehow, I felt a connection. Heck, even in high school, I was nervous and shy around beautiful girls, thus I never dated.
Then, college came. Crazy enough, the whom dating thing didn't start till I was like 21 22 around there and since then, 4 exes and now here alone. Yet, I did meet a girl on AsianDate.com named Yiqi. She seems quite lovely and may we meet soon. Besides doing this for me, that's the other reason why I want to rid myself of pornography: so that I may have a clean slate and mind for her. I shall do things such as meditation, more exercise, and stuff like that in order to fulfill my wish to not be this loser that just jerks off to images on a screen. That is no way to live. Hell, if you dig some, you'll even find that people who participate in pornography-professional or not-don't really enjoy it and find an offensive, disgusting way to make money. Thus, I say farewell for now, and may I have better days to come.
So, for those of you who don't know, I have been struggling with porn addiction for years, since I was at least 13 around there. I know there are some of you who consider viewing pornography as a normal thing and think all that research about cybersex and porn addiction are piles of bullshit, but really, all of it's true. When I was 13, and all my life really, I was struggling with my two mental disabilities: ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome. At the time, I thought no one soul truly love me the way I thought I'd be loved, and went into weird moods and drew girls a lot, even putting myself in the picture with them. Also, yes, I had real friends, but I wanted something deeper, more wonderful. Then, I found Yahoo and MSN chat rooms to be a wonderful source to find girls who would accept me and love me for me. Unfortunately though, they were quite a long distance away from me, but somehow, I felt a connection. Heck, even in high school, I was nervous and shy around beautiful girls, thus I never dated.
Then, college came. Crazy enough, the whom dating thing didn't start till I was like 21 22 around there and since then, 4 exes and now here alone. Yet, I did meet a girl on AsianDate.com named Yiqi. She seems quite lovely and may we meet soon. Besides doing this for me, that's the other reason why I want to rid myself of pornography: so that I may have a clean slate and mind for her. I shall do things such as meditation, more exercise, and stuff like that in order to fulfill my wish to not be this loser that just jerks off to images on a screen. That is no way to live. Hell, if you dig some, you'll even find that people who participate in pornography-professional or not-don't really enjoy it and find an offensive, disgusting way to make money. Thus, I say farewell for now, and may I have better days to come.
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